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Flawed

Posted on October 17, 2012 by Andrew

The rocket ship blasted off on its pioneering voyage to Mars, 7 souls peering into the blackness, looking toward a future that would be recorded and transcribed countless times.

The inhabitants were aware that their gleaming silver carriage was a marvel of gargantuan proportions; the very latest technology was propelling them into the stratosphere faster and faster, their journey pre-calculated and preset – unchangeable for reasons of physics and finance.

The ship sped onward, machines humming as designed, everything working correctly – they had tested and retested, simulated and double-checked; redundant redundancy was the norm – this bird was the best and most reliable creation that mankind had to offer.

Inside the spaceship there was a relaxed calm as the crew went about their work, preparing everything and settling in for the 9 month voyage and the subsequent 2 year sojourn on the martian surface.

They had locked everything down and were preparing to sleep before anyone noticed that the ship was leaking air, by which time it was of course far too late.

 

Lillie McFerrin

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32 thoughts on “Flawed”

  1. dekeboo says:
    October 18, 2012 at 6:37 am

    Eek! A friend emailed me recently about trips to the moon and mars – I was thinking it wasn’t really my thing, this confirms it! Great piece.

    1. Andrew says:
      October 18, 2012 at 7:17 am

      I guess it’s a risk/reward thing. Win some, lose some…

  2. Sarah says:
    October 18, 2012 at 7:01 am

    beautifully written yet so prosaic at the end – c’est la vie!

    1. Andrew says:
      October 18, 2012 at 7:18 am

      Thank you – I was looking for a “stark reality” type of ending. I appreciate your kind words.

  3. itsjennythewren says:
    October 18, 2012 at 9:23 am

    nice twist- great take on the prompt 🙂

    1. Andrew says:
      October 18, 2012 at 9:29 am

      Thank you Jenny. Thanks for visiting.

  4. alphabetstory says:
    October 18, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Well done!

    1. Andrew says:
      October 18, 2012 at 5:00 pm

      Thank you!

  5. Wayne Assiratti says:
    October 18, 2012 at 4:08 pm

    Dark… I really liked that. All the way through I was looking for the twist. really strong at the end.

    Cheers,

    W.

    1. Andrew says:
      October 18, 2012 at 5:02 pm

      Thank you Wayne. I appreciate you stopping by.

  6. JazzBumpa says:
    October 18, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    You’d think that would have been the thing they would have checked most carefully. Oh, well.

    Since you’re into this sort of thing, I’ll recommend Tom Godwin’s THE COLD EQUATIONS, a pretty seriously flawed story.

    http://baencd.thefifthimperium.com/13-TheBestofJimBaensUniverseCD/TheBestofJimBaensUniverseCD/The%20World%20Turned%20Upside%20Down/0743498747__19.htm

    Cheers!
    JzB

    1. Andrew says:
      October 18, 2012 at 8:40 pm

      Thanks for the link – I’ll check that out. I figured something shook loose on takeoff, but who knows – perhaps someone forgot to close a valve properly….

  7. Rob D Young (@RobDYoungWrites) says:
    October 19, 2012 at 10:03 am

    I hate it when we don’t notice the air is leaking. ;P

    Favorite line: “unchangeable for reasons of physics and finance.” Nice, natural alliteration.

    Critique-y thoughts: The “omit needless words” rule may apply to help give some sentences more punch. Reading the last sentence without the “of course” gives it more of a haunting feel, n’est pas?

    1. Andrew says:
      October 19, 2012 at 11:27 am

      Thanks for the feedback Rob.I was looking for ironic more than haunting, but I see your point. Thanks for visiting!

  8. Sisyphus47 says:
    October 19, 2012 at 11:47 am

    No way! How could this be possible? A sad tale … about what may well happen… Nicely done 🙂

    1. Andrew says:
      October 19, 2012 at 11:58 am

      They didn’t think it was possible to send a space telescope into orbit with an incorrectly shaped mirror. Anything’s possible. Thanks for your comment!

  9. TheOthers1 says:
    October 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    You totally built me up with this. I was waiting for that moment where something awful happened and you slid it in at the end. Sometimes, not matter how good you think things are, your best calculations can be wrong. Very nice.

    1. Andrew says:
      October 19, 2012 at 8:49 pm

      Thank you. There’s always something that you can’t test for ahead of time, or some variable that doesn’t get taken into account. The concept of perfection is in itself flawed.

  10. Lillie McFerrin (@LillieMcFerrin) says:
    October 19, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    Really love the language in this piece! Nicely done 🙂 Made me think of the Titanic for a moment.

    1. Andrew says:
      October 20, 2012 at 7:47 am

      Nothing’s unbreakable. Thanks for stopping by Lillie.

  11. Britton Minor says:
    October 20, 2012 at 8:12 am

    It is amazing just how important breathing is. 😉

    The tension created in this piece is perfect, and I waited for the thud in my heart as you led us directly into the horrific climax. I was not disappointed.

    1. Andrew says:
      October 20, 2012 at 8:17 am

      It was bound to happen. Something was awry – there’s always a flaw of some kind in the plan. Thanks for the comment Britt.

  12. Sandra says:
    October 21, 2012 at 1:23 am

    This was nicely paced, the first four paragraphs setting up the fall of the last. Nicely done.

    1. Andrew says:
      October 21, 2012 at 6:40 am

      I appreciate your kind words Sandra.

  13. Jeffrey Hollar says:
    October 21, 2012 at 5:05 am

    Wow. Don’t you just hate it when that happens. Such a wonderful dichotomy between their elated sense of wonder and accomplishment and the sad reality of their unexpected failure. Very nicely done, sir.

    1. Andrew says:
      October 21, 2012 at 6:41 am

      Thank you Jeffrey.

  14. Mike says:
    October 21, 2012 at 5:48 am

    Great story, loved the twist at the end.
    Isn’t it always the same? Just when you think you’ve got everything organised, along comes the hitch which throws a spanner in the works. In this case a catastrophic hitch.

    1. Andrew says:
      October 21, 2012 at 6:42 am

      Yes Mike. It does rather sound like many of my day trips!

  15. Sarah Mac says:
    October 22, 2012 at 6:45 am

    A nice sense of irony – everything accounted for but the one thing they couldnt live without.

    1. Andrew says:
      October 22, 2012 at 7:07 am

      Isn’t irony wonderful! Thanks for visiting Sarah.

  16. Lisa Shambrook says:
    October 22, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Really liked the matter-of-fact celebratory air throughout, including your final sentence! Really well written Andrew!

    1. Andrew says:
      October 22, 2012 at 11:13 am

      Thank you Lisa. It’s a shame that such a triumph could turn into such a disaster so quickly.

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